How to Break the Cycle of Control and Fear
Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
Control is rooted in fear. This statement may surprise you because when we try to control events, people, or outcomes, it can feel like we're taking charge or being proactive. But really, what we're doing is expressing our fear of what will happen if we don't have control.
What exactly are we afraid of? The easy answer is the unknown. Living with uncertainty can feel debilitating to many of us. The unknown can make us feel anxious, helpless, afraid, and adrift. So we try to get ahead of these fears by seeking control over everything and everyone around us.
Living with this overarching need to control is exhausting and stressful. Because as we all know, life is unpredictable. On any given day, we are faced with innumerable decisions and possibilities. So, trying to control everything from your work to your relationships ends up being a full-time job that keeps you up at night and robs you from being present in your life.
So what can you do?
You don't have to succumb to your fears. It's possible to break free of controlling behaviour, change your mindset, and learn to enjoy life. This post will discuss the relationship between fear and control. We'll also talk about steps you can take to help you put your worries to rest and start living for today.
How are fear and control related?
Do you have a controlling habit? Not sure?
See if you recognize any of these situations?
You feel anxiety when things aren't just right.
You beat yourself up when things don't work out as you think they should because you believe you're at fault.
You think you have to make things happen, or nothing will ever work out for you again.
You have a hard time relaxing when things are going well because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You adapt to a situation to avoid someone getting angry or upset.
You don't speak up or share your opinion in fear of being judged or not accepted.
If any of this sounds familiar, you're probably struggling with trying to control. These scenarios show how we use control to influence situations, outcomes, the future, people's perceptions of us, or their emotions.
When we seek to control situations, that's really our fear speaking. We may be afraid of being judged, of showing our true selves, of hurting others, of a disastrous outcome, or any number of other insecurities.
We seek to control our surroundings because we want things to work out in a specific way. So, we try to do everything in our power to make sure circumstances don't deviate from those expectations. This approach forces us to manage all the big and little issues because we're afraid of what will happen if we don't. But with all the twists and turns that life can bring, trying to control everything becomes a never-ending job. And the more things don't work out, the harder we work at trying to control them. It's a cycle that's hard to break.
Because control is attached to a specific expectation, it is limiting. But life is full of surprises. Closing yourself off to alternate possibilities and opportunities is doing yourself a disservice. It is essential to understand that the unknown or even different outcomes from what we anticipated don't automatically equate to disaster.
What you can do break the cycle of fear and control
People suffering from control issues constantly feel under pressure, worried, and overwhelmed. Their anxiety levels are high, and their patience is low. Ultimately, the need to control ends up controlling them.
But it doesn't have to be this way. If you're tired of running in circles and want to put your anxiety to rest, try the techniques below to help you curtail the need to control.
Photo by Genevieve Dallaire on Unsplash
3 ways to stop controlling behaviour
1. Allow yourself to feel. When we're busy controlling, we don't allow ourselves to have feelings. Acknowledge the emotions that are driving your need to control. Ask yourself, "What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?" Come to terms with those fears and realize it's okay to be insecure and vulnerable.
2. Understand that you can't control everything. It's time for a reality check; no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to control what others think of you, situations around you, or their outcomes. And you most definitely can not control the future. This can be a hard pill to swallow but it is a necessary one. Once you make peace with the uncertainties of life, you will feel less anxious and more open to different possibilities.
3. Focus on what you can control. The truth is the only thing you can control is yourself. More specifically, your actions, reactions, and intentions. Instead of wasting energy on managing the different scenarios around you, instead focus on:
· How you respond to the unexpected
· How you bounce back from the falls
· How you can use positive self-talk to shift your mindset
· How you act on your emotions
· How you perceive a situation
· How much you enjoy the things you have now
· How you can make informed decisions based on evidence and not fear
Acting out of fear may have been your default, but it doesn't have to continue to take over your life. You are in control of you! And that's enough. You don't have to try to control others or situations around you too. If you do, you'll be caught in an endless loop of control and fear. Instead, allow yourself to experience both the highs and lows of life without expecting that disaster lurks behind every corner.
Peace can be found when you realize that you can't control what people think of you or what will happen next. Decide to focus on yourself and learn to live your life on your own terms. In the wise words of Poet, Author, and Activist Maya Angelou, "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them."
If you need help breaking the cycle of control and fear, please feel free to contact me for a free consultation. My one-on-one counselling program, Come Home to Yourself, is designed to help identify, release, and heal the mental, emotional, and energetic heaviness that has been weighing you down.